


Say Goodnight and Stay Together (50 First Dates AU)

by heyerruh



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-05
Updated: 2011-05-05
Packaged: 2017-10-19 00:53:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/195096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyerruh/pseuds/heyerruh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You… Adam, you lost your short term memory."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say Goodnight and Stay Together (50 First Dates AU)

**Author's Note:**

> **Notes:** [](http://www.livejournal.com/users/neuroticismette/profile)[**neuroticismette**](http://www.livejournal.com/users/neuroticismette/) , [](http://www.livejournal.com/users/batang_paslit/profile)[**batang_paslit**](http://www.livejournal.com/users/batang_paslit/) and JB, this is for all of you. Thank you so much for helping me think this through and everything. I wouldn’t have been able to understand where I was going with this baby without all three of you. [](http://sbb23.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**sbb23**](http://sbb23.dreamwidth.org/) , your beta-ing powers are still epic. Title comes from “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by the Beach Boys.

_All around me are familiar faces  
Worn out places  
Worn out faces  
Bright and early for the daily races  
Going nowhere  
 **Mad World (Adam Lambert)**_

Waking up to the sunlight and the feeling of a body curled up against yours will always be pleasant. Adam usually hates the flashes of bright light passing through his eyelashes when he’s still trying to sleep but right now, it’s okay, it’s not even intrusive. It’s comfortable and the warmth of his lover beside him is slowly lulling him back to sleep when he suddenly remembers. They broke up yesterday. He was so confused over it that he went out drinking with Tommy, Kris and Brad. He drank and got sloshed but he couldn’t have gotten drunk enough to hook up with someone right after his break up. It’s just not done. But there’s a body beside him and he’s so curious. He wants to find out whom he went home with last night.

He opens his eyes and sees brown hair and a body that’s too firm and muscled to be his ex’s. Seriously, Sauli couldn’t have gotten all that muscle within a day. He raises his head to take a peek at the face that’s been hidden from him since he woke up and he sees it. He recognizes that face, knows it so well and knows the situation enough to understand that this person shouldn’t be in bed with him. Naked, he might add. It’s Kris, so Adam does the best thing he can think of.

He leaps off the bed.

"Kris, what the hell are you doing in my bed? And why are you naked?!"

Kris wakes up with a start, gets out of the bed and starts dressing up without even looking at him.

"Oh shit, I shouldn't have stayed over last night.”

"You weren't even supposed to be in my bed, Kris! You’re not even gay!"

“Adam, lower your voice, baby, please.”

 _“I can’t lower my voice. I’m fucking surprised, okay, what the hel—“_

Tommy bangs the door open, looking pissed, amused and just plain tired all at the same time.

“Kris, pet, how many times do I have to tell you not to sleep over at Adam’s no matter how much you want to?”

“I know, I know, but yesterday was such a good day,” explains Kris while he pulls his shirt on, “and I kept telling myself that I’ll only stay for a few and—“

“Tommy, what the fuck, why would he even be in my bed?” wonders Adam as he stays standing up and flailing his arms because he never thought he could be this confused and the answers wouldn’t even come to him.

“Baby, please calm down and let me expl—“ Kris is cut off by Adam’s words all over again.

“What is there to explain, Kris?! Did you let your gay out for me?! Did I turn another one?! Oh my GOD!” Kris tries opening his mouth to answer when Tommy butts in.

“Pet, grab the rest of your clothes and finish getting dressed outside. Today is, obviously, a bad day.” Tommy is speaking calmly to Kris and it makes Adam stop his freaking out and he looks at Kris.

Kris picks up his socks, which are on opposite sides of the bed, and his jacket from the chair by Adam’s desk. He walks to the cabinet beside Adam’s, the one Adam didn’t even realize was there in the first place, opens it and grabs a leather belt, his phone and his wallet. When he stands up to his full height, Adam sees that his shoulders are slightly slumped and his eyes aren’t shining and his lips are not trying to smile at all. Kris is sad and Adam may have caused it.

Adam’s about to apologize but then Kris finishes picking up after himself and faces the general direction of where Adam and Tommy are. “I’ll be heading downstairs and making coffee. Brad’s probably scratching his eyes out waiting for it. Call if you need anything.” With that, Kris steps out of the room and closes the door quietly.

“Brad’s here too?” asks Adam.

“Yeah, he lives here too, Adam.” Tommy answers, his eyes still the calm and collected ones they were when he dealt with Kris. Tommy was getting stressed and Adam wanted to understand why.

“Too?”

“We all live together in your house now. You, me, Kris and Brad. We figured that it was easier for you this way.” Tommy’s still so calm and it’s maybe scaring Adam but he wants answers so he’ll deal with his frantic questioning feelings later.

“Since whe—“

He’s not even done asking his question when Tommy cuts him off.

“Since your accident, two years ago. Well, our accident.”

“What happened?”

“You were driving, that night we all went out after your break-up. There was a car and—well, long story short, we, all three of us, got badly bruised and you, Adam, you—“ Tommy exhales and continues to take healing breaths until his eyes get back some of the softness that left when Kris left them.

“I what, Tommy?” Adam prods.

“You… Adam, you lost your short term memory.”

 _I’ll be your hero who’s standing strong  
Who protects you from any fight  
And if your battles are piling on  
I will take them on my shoulder  
You don’t know what the future holds  
So I’ll be your personal soldier  
 **Personal Soldier (The Wanted)**_

 _ ****_Brad has his arms cradling his head on the table when Kris finally comes down to the kitchen. It’s only when he steps up near the shelf that has the jar of expensive coffee, the only thing Brad will drink by the way, that Brad makes any indication that he heard Kris. He lifts his head and stares at Kris for a long time and then—

“You know that I love you right, honey?” mumbles Brad, half-asleep but completely coherent. Kris nods his head and Brad continues. “You love me too, right?” inquires Brad and again Kris gives a nod.

“Then if that’s the case, fuck him and then leave and sleep in your bed, Kris. _Please._ ” His voice is heavy, not the usual Cheeks voice he usually uses. Kris can tell that Brad is frustrated. He doesn’t know with whom. “Tommy and I get it. You love him. He loves you. You make love,” says Brad as he makes puking gestures, “but it’s like you’re the one with a memory problem, Kris.”

Kris wants to say something to assure Brad that he’ll try his best, for all of them, but he can’t seem to find the words that will relay his message properly, if at all. The coffee machine makes a gurgling sound and Kris proceeds to make Brad’s coffee, his quiet movements the opposite of every single thought that passes through his head.

Brad doesn’t say anything and this gives Kris time to sit near him, sip his coffee and think about his life now.

He hasn’t even started when a scream resounds from the upper floor followed by a number of different banging and smashing sounds. Kris winces and sits up stiffly. He doesn’t speak. Brad takes this opportunity to say something.

“You know when Adam wakes up with you in his bed, Kris, it usually results in bad days like this,” says Brad as he gets off his chair to sidle up to Kris and put his arm around his shoulder. “It’s not only bad for my and Tommy’s beauty sleep, it’s bad for Adam, too.” He starts rubbing Kris’ neck and that’s all it takes for Kris’ posture to change. He slumps into Brad and exhales deeply.

He doesn’t know how to deal with this, the unfairness of it all. As teardrops fall from his eyes, another scream reverberates from upstairs. It’s going to be an epic day.

 _Feel like I’m tryin’ to breathe underwater  
Tryin’ to climb but I keep fallin’ farther, yeah  
Will you take my hand?  
 **I Need to Know (Kris Allen)**_

“Are you done yet?” asks Tommy in a way that almost seems like bored nonchalance.

Adam stops and for a moment only his heavy breathing can be heard. Tommy’s standing by the door now, looking at his nails with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

“I don’t understand, Tommy. How could this happen?”

Tommy sighs and walks towards the bed that Adam and Kris previously vacated, pulling the sheets off and then sitting against the headboard. “Are you done with your rampage?” asks Tommy and Adam looks around the room, looks at the mess that he has created and realizes that his subsequent tantrum did nothing to make him understand. He drops the tube of nail polish that he was about to throw at the wall and looks at Tommy. “Yes, I guess I am,” Adam intones.

“Come here then,” instructs Tommy. Adam walks slowly towards him, carefully not stepping on the mess that he’s already made. When he reaches the bed, he lies down next to Tommy with his head on the smaller man’s lap. “Can I explain now, baby?”

Adam exhales loudly and then whispers quietly, “Yes, please.”

“We have all been with you since the accident happened. At first, we thought you were only experiencing flashbacks from hitting your head but months after you regained consciousness you kept reverting to the day of the break-up and your memories only ever reached up until that night.” Tommy pauses and lifts his hand to card his fingers through Adam’s hair. Adam lets out a moan.

“Well,” starts Tommy, “That’s something you never lost, you still like it when people pet your hair.”

“It never stops feeling good,” whispers Adam.

“Go ahead, ask your questions.”

Adam has a frown on his face. He really can’t decide where he should start. Out of all his questions though, he had one that was on the top of the list.

“What’s with me and Kris?”

“Oh. We’re starting with that today. I guess you don’t want to beat around the bush,” says Tommy as he looks down and gives Adam a hard look. “You’re together,” and Adam feels weird about it. He wants to believe it because Tommy says it in a voice that tells Adam that he’s not lying.

“When did it start?” asks Adam with a bit of trepidation in his voice.

“Surprisingly, around a month after he started taking care of you on his own. So, I guess around, 3 months after the accident. Brad and I only ever actually started living here after that.” Tommy shifts his legs a bit, Adam’s head practically stopping the circulation of blood through his legs. Adam rearranges himself to sit beside Tommy, reveling in the heat that he feels coming from him.

“Why? What made you start living here?”

“You kept on asking for us whenever you woke up and—“ Tommy stops to look up at Adam and then continues, “—and well, it’s just that, you—“

“Spit it out, Ratliff,” hisses Adam because he doesn’t really understand how Tommy could go from confident to bumbling in a few seconds.

“You kept forgetting about Kris, well not him as a person but about how you got together. And it just got him real bad one day. That’s when Brad and I decided that you needed us.”

Adam looks at Tommy, “but I didn’t mean to forget!”

“No one blames you, Adam.”

“But what about—“

“Not even Kris, baby. He doesn’t blame you but sometimes it gets to him, you know? Loving you and you not knowing.”

“Tell me about it, glitterbaby.” This makes Tommy laugh.

Adam looks confused. “What?”

“You haven’t called me than in a long time,” and Tommy continues to giggle. Adam waits.

After a few more seconds, Tommy stops. “Tell you about what, babyboy?”

“About the time Kris and I supposedly fell in love and got into a relationship,” answers Adam in what should have been a pissy tone but it comes off too desperate, too sad.

“Okay, I’ll tell you… Which time then?” Tommy has one eyebrow raised at Adam and Adam can see that he’s being challenged but even more, he realizes the meaning of those words but decides to leave that for later.

“The first time. Please.”

“Oh. Well, I think I know just the thing.” Tommy gets up from the bed and heads towards Adam’s desk. He comes back with a black notebook. “Get ready, baby, I’m going to tell you about Prince Determined and Princess Forgetful.”

Adam thinks he should be insulted but he shuts up and waits.

 _And wouldn’t it be nice to live together  
In the kind of world where we belong  
You know it’s gonna make it that much better  
When we can say goodnight and stay together  
 **Wouldn’t It Be Nice (The Beach Boys)**_

 _ ****_And waits. And waits because Tommy’s sifting through the notebook and not talking to Adam so he decides to not shut up and wait.

“What is that, Tommy?”

“It’s a journal, Adam.”

“I get that, but whose?”

“It belongs to Kris.”

“Then why—“

“He keeps this for this purpose, especially. He writes everything that happens in this journal and we’re all allowed to read it because, well, Brad and I take turns telling you the story during your bad days and Kris does it during your good days.”

“How do you know—how are you sure that he’s telling the truth? I mean, Kris is a good person but—“

“Well, you agree to most of them.”

“But you said so yourself, everyday, I revert back to who I was until before the accident. So I forget everyday! How could I—“

“Adam, look,” and Adam sees that after almost each entry, there are two signatures, his and Kris’. “As you can see, you approve of each one that has your name at the bottom,” says Tommy and he’s looking at Adam with a look that’s equal parts sympathetic and sad. “The ones that do not have your signature are the ones that Kris writes too late, the ones that he wrote after you’ve fallen asleep.”

Adam grabs the journal and skims through it, reassuring himself that Tommy’s not lying to him. Silence fills the room as Adam flips the pages of the black leather journal and then he looks up at Tommy as he returns the journal. “Go ahead, tell me the story.”

 _19 May 2012_

 _It’s not the most practical thing I’ve ever done but it’s the best. I know, I know. I shouldn’t be in a situation like this but it’s so hard resisting a guy like Adam. I mean, sure, during his bad days he can be extremely annoying, demanding, angry but most of the time he’s understanding, positive, beautiful, fierce and just plain amazing that I couldn’t help but fall._

 _I’m not making sense, gosh. The thing is ~~me and Adam Adam and I darnit~~ this afternoon, we got together. As in, we’re us. We’re Kradam and I’m not making sense again._

“He really kinda doesn’t,” comments Adam.

“Shh. Let me continue.”

 _I need to explain. I’ve been taking care of Adam since the accident, right? I know, I’m not family but he always seemed to react best with me. Adam loves his family but most of his good days? They happen on my watch and so everyone’s decided that until I find myself unable to do so, I’ll be in charge of Adam. It doesn’t sound good, a grown up needing a babysitter, but someone needs to watch him. No one’s stupid enough to let a larger-than-life rockstar tell the public how he’s lost his short-term memory and that he wouldn’t be able to connect to anyone anymore or anything since he forgets things within the day. So now I’m in charge of telling Adam what’s happened to him. Don’t get me wrong, ~~it’s hard it’s not easy~~ it’s complicated but I like it. I like getting to spend time with my best friend. He doesn’t judge me for who I am. He doesn’t remind me how much of a failure I am as a husband, how much I suck as a celebrity because I can’t deal with the life of one. He lets me be ME and it’s all that ever mattered to me._

 _It’s a rollercoaster ride, how everyday, I meet a different Adam. I mean, sure, he’s still the one I met years ago on Idol but now, it’s like everyday, he can be someone else and still be him. He can be happy and positive Adam, taking his condition in stride, loving the fact that he’s still alive and famous. He can be sad Adam, not angry and throwing tantrums but questioning the Universe why this ever happened to him. Angry Adam, that’s probably ~~the best the worst~~ the most awe-inspiring Adam you could meet. He’ll throw stuff, scream himself hoarse and still look pretty doing it. Every single personality he wakes up with, every single part of him that I see everyday, it made me realize how much ~~I love him~~ I’ve loved him and still do since I met him._

“He loves me? Loved me since we met?!”

“Baby, you’ve known Kris for a long time. He loves people in general but he’s always paid special attention to you.”

“Damn. I should’ve said something.”

“You did.”

“I did?”

“Yeah, but it was after the accident.”

“I did?”

“Back to the story.”

 _I always thought it’d be hard to start a relationship with Adam Lambert because, seriously, he’s THE Adam Lambert and all I did was win American Idol but he’s surpassed being my runner-up and has become bigger than me and ~~I’m not pretty I’m not exciting I’m not glittery enough~~ I’m not his type. I’m actually in love with someone who wouldn’t even give me the time of day._

 _Well, I thought so. Until a month after we moved into his house. I was trying to clean up his guest room and I accidentally opened the secret compartment of Adam’s spare underwear drawer and found photos of me. I couldn’t NOT do anything and so I approached Adam right after his shower and asked him about them._

 _He loves me too. Sweet Jesus, he really does. He told me today. I’m so happy and he says he is, too. Suffice it to say his spare bed, my bed now, needs a change of sheets._

 _I hope he remembers tomorrow. :)_

 _Kris **\+ Adam**_

“I don’t get how he can be Prince Determined. It was only one day.”

“I’m not done yet, stop interrupting me.”

 _22 May 2012_

 _Well, he forgot so I had to remind him about us. It’s okay, I don’t mind. It’s like with every day that he forgets, I am given the opportunity to make him fall in love with me. Again._

 _I am thankful. Amazed. In awe. Yesterday, he woke up with a happy attitude. He was so grateful for being alive, for having me with him. After I showed him my journal entry from a couple of days ago, he looked at me and smiled and said, “So what couple-y thing do we do today, baby?” and I turned into mush. I cooked him breakfast and then we sat by his pool, holding hands and talking about our future. It calms me, this feeling of having Adam with me and simply spending time with him._

 _  
**I fell for the breakfast food, really. --- Adam**   
_

_I should always make Adam’s breakfast then, shouldn’t I?_

 _  
**I’m keeping you. --- Adam**   
_

_I’m keeping you, too. :) He’s being funny and commenting as I write._

 _Today, Adam wasn’t in a bouncing mood. He was brooding today and I felt so hopeless, I couldn’t find a way to comfort him. He stared out of his bedroom window the whole morning but somehow, I got him to lie back down. I told him a story about a princess who believes that she falls in love with someone everyday, believing that it’s always a different person for each day. I told Adam about a prince who dons different costumes, making the princess fall in love with him everyday without knowing it but really the townspeople can see that the princess was cursed to forget her prince everyday and for this she was called Princess Forgetful and the prince was called Prince Determined because he did anything, became anyone she needed him to be._

 _  
**You’re babbling, baby. Continue, although yes, I love the story. --- Adam**   
_

_Babbling story shortened, I got Adam to lay his head on my lap and I stroked his hair until nightfall. I didn’t even mention my feelings really but Adam, my sweet, sweet boy, he just dropped it on me. “If you only knew how much I love you…” because he didn’t know that I did know, I do know, and so I lean down and kiss him._

 _I’m so blessed, so lucky to have this man love me. I’m happy. I hope he remembers tomorrow. :)_

 _  
**I hope so too. --- Adam**   
_

_Kris **\+ Adam**_

“We’re a cheesy pair.”

“Infuriatingly so. You both always have a tendency of making me want to revisit my breakfast.”

 _Wish I could just find a way  
To have all your memories erased  
‘Cause constantly they’re haunting me  
Yeah, yeah  
 **Can’t Let You Go (Adam Lambert)**_

After hearing the story - and yes he should have been insulted - Adam is sad, sad and grasping at the straws of what his life is, what his life could be if he hadn’t lost his short term memory. It’s almost pathetic how he started sniffling when Tommy read him the part where he and Kris held hands by the pool and talked. He’s always wanted that and now, now he can’t even remember that he has had that. He can’t comprehend and all he can do is ponder and still it’s not working and—

There’s a soft growling sound and Tommy bursts into laughter. “Well, rockstar, I think you need to eat now,” he says between fits of uncontrollable laughter. Adam stares at him long and hard and then starts laughing himself. “Good God, Thomas, you’re contagious.”

“Call me that again and I’ll leave you here to starve, bitch.”

Adam stops short from where he is attempting to fix himself up. He looks at Tommy and drops everything to hug him. “What Ada—“ but Adam tightens the hug.

“You’re still you, glitterbaby,” and Tommy understands and hugs Adam back. “Of course I’m still me. Come on, Adam. Let’s see what’s for breakfast.” He lets go of Adam and they head downstairs.

\--

Breakfast is an awkward affair, to say the least.

As soon as Tommy and Adam enter the room and sit on their respective seats, Kris starts serving them breakfast with an ease brought about by experience. This looks routine for Kris.

He places a plate with two taco shells in front of Tommy and what seems to be his things-to-put-in-your-taco tray. Afterwards, Kris places a plate of toast in front of Adam as well as the containers of peanut butter and jelly, a glass of orange juice and a small cup of tea. The sides are cut off from the toast and Adam is surprised because this is exactly how he wants his breakfast.

This is when Adam starts running with his mouth, apparently. “Wow, this is exactly how I want my breakfast.”

Kris has his back turned to all of them, making his own breakfast. Tommy starts chewing on the bite that he has in his mouth faster with his eyes opened wide in alarm. Brad starts flailing and tries holding his hands up at Adam, trying to stop him but it’s too late because Adam continues.

“How do you know about this, Kris? It’s like you’re a mind reader or something,” before he downs his glass of OJ.

“Damn!” exclaims Tommy.

“Honey—“ starts Brad.

Kris stops them both. “It’s okay, guys,” Adam looks at Kris after he hears this, sees him with his arms braced along the kitchen sink with his head down. “I know, Adam, because you tell me when I ask you and I ask you everyday.” Kris’ voice is calm, almost detached and as if he doesn’t care. It scares Adam but mostly it worries him.

“Kris, baby, I’m so—“

“It’s okay, Adam. Go ahead, eat up. I’ll join you guys in a while.” Kris looks over his shoulder at them with a smile but they all see that it doesn’t reach his eyes. If Adam is honest, it barely reaches his cheeks. He’s about to say something when Brad gives him a look that says _just stop it, Adam_. This shuts him up and he resumes eating.

When Kris finally faces them again, his face is relaxed and there’s a smile on his face albeit a small one. He sits next to Brad and prepares his pancakes silently. As he reaches for the peanut butter that he weirdly puts on his pancakes, his hand brushes Adam’s and it makes Kris look up. “Sorry, you go first,” he says quietly and reaching for the syrup instead. Brad and Tommy are silently watching them as inconspicuously as they can.

Adam does but he stares at Kris and he sees how hard Kris is trying to close himself off, how hard Kris is controlling his gestures and even his facial expression. Adam’s condition is affecting Kris and he feels bad but he doesn’t know what to do about it.

“So what do I usually—“

“Adam, honey, must you, really?” Brad’s trying to be gracious about it but you could hear the edge in his voice.

“Brad, leave it. It’s okay. It’s my fault anyway. Ask your question, Adam,” says Kris calmly but he’s looking at Adam as if he knows he’s going to get hurt, as if whatever’s going to come out of Adam’s mouth is meant to hurt him.

“What do I usually do these days?”

Tommy is the one who answers. “You write and most days, when you’re needed to perform, Lane calls you and tells you that there’s been a change in your schedule today and that you have to do something else.”

“What do I say during interviews?”

“Nothing, honey. They don’t allow you to be interviewed anymore. The public, they don’t know about your condition,” says Brad softly as he gets off his chair and heads towards Adam. He stands behind him and hugs him from behind with his forehead on the back of Adam’s neck. “You kept talking about writing your third album, darling. You’re already on your fifth. It wouldn’t do, and so what people know now is that you live a private life with all three of us because _our accident made us closer_ or something like that.”

Adam exhales and he feels like getting angry again, feels like picking things up and throwing them at the nearest possible hard surface. It helps him, throwing a tantrum, since with every breaking sound Adam sees a physical manifestation of his broken memory and hears the resounding crack of his already shattered heart. It angers him even more because he doesn’t know why he feels like his heart is breaking, _is already broken_ , when the last break-up he actually remembers was mutual and left him more confused than sad.

He chances a look at Kris and sees him shooting furtive glances at him. “Come here, Kris. Please?” Adam opens his arms and silently asks for a hug. Tommy is about to protest when it’s Brad that speaks up first. “Come on, Thomas Joseph. Let’s clean up the dishes,” and he pulls Tommy towards the sink.

“Of course, Bradley,” answers Tommy and this banter makes the tension in the air somewhat lighter, putting in a small dose of hope and joy in a room filled with doubt and frustration.

Kris steps into Adam’s arms and Adam wraps him in them but it’s not the same. Kris is restraining himself and Adam can feel it. He sighs and then holds Kris’ hand, pulling him towards the stairs.

“Where are we going, Adam?”

“Come on, Kris. I think we need to talk.”

Kris stiffens even more but Adam tightens his hold on his hand and whispers, “I wouldn’t hurt you,” and Kris relaxes a bit. He believes in Adam. “All right.”

Adam doesn’t relinquish his hold on Kris’ hand as they ascend the stairs. It makes Kris hopeful and he wants to cry.

Hoping never helped him, not during the first five hundred times that this happened. There’s nothing that indicates that this time will end well either.  __

 _What it if makes you sad at me  
And what if it makes you laugh now but you cry as you fall asleep  
And what if it takes your breath and you can’t hardly breathe  
And what if it makes the last sound be the very best sound_

 _What if what I want makes you sad at me  
And is it all my fault or can I fix it please  
‘Cause you know that I’m always all for you  
‘Cause you know that I’m always all for you  
 **What If (SafetySuit)**_

 _ ****_When Adam lets go of his hand, Kris lets out a breath that he didn’t even know he was holding. Adam entered his room, leaving Kris standing by the doorframe, seemingly unsure if he’s even welcome inside. It takes Adam a while to realize that Kris didn’t follow him. He knows it’s his fault.

“I think that if what I’ve been told is true, this is as much your room as it is mine,” says Adam, “so come in and sit with me on the bed, Kris.” Adam looks at Kris and makes a come here gesture and then turns and makes himself comfortable by the headboard. Kris walks towards the bed timidly, still not sure if he’s really welcome. He sits by the end of the bed, across from Adam, and Adam feels winded. He doesn’t know why it hurts to see Kris trying to stay away from him.

“Sit by me, baby, come here,” he quietly asks and Kris sits right beside him with their sides touching from shoulder to leg. He feels so warm and comfortable with Kris beside him. “Say something, Kris.”

“What do you want me to say, Adam?” Kris asks, speaking so softly as if any word that comes out of his mouth can make things worse than they already are.

“How are you?”

“I’m okay.”

“‘I’m okay’ as in really okay or ‘I’m okay’ lying?”

“Generally, Adam, I’m okay. Not extremely and deliriously happy, but I’m content.”

Adam stares at Kris, trying to gauge how much he can ask, what he’s even allowed to ask. Kris continues to look forward, not looking at Adam. He’s stiff all over, and Adam hurts when he sees Kris like this.

“Baby, do you trust me? At least, trust me enough not to hurt you intentionally?” asks Adam with trepidation. He knows he’s hurt Kris enough, judging by the almost two years of constant forgetting about _them_ and he wants to make things better, if not for him, then for Kris.

Kris is alarmed by the tone of Adam’s voice. He knows that he’s hurting, that things aren’t easy for him because it hurts to be forgotten every day, but he also understands that Adam at least cares about him and wouldn’t want him hurt especially because of Adam. He turns towards his beautiful forgetful “boyfriend” and looks him in the eye, tries really hard to show him all the love and understanding he can muster with a look.

“Of course I do.”

Adam stares back and Kris sees that no matter how much Adam forgets about _them_ , Adam still loves him, loves him so much that even when he doesn’t remember how or when it happened, he can’t forget the love they share. He may not understand but somehow he knows it’s there.

During moments like this, Kris can’t help but smile because he has the love of the man that he’s wanted for a long time, the love of the man he thought would never look at him twice and the love of the man who even though he forgets about their relationship everyday, cannot forget how much he loves Kris. He makes up his mind and slowly moves his hand to touch Adam’s hand, cradle it and he watches his hand do it, still in awe that he can, most days.

Adam watches the progression of their hands. Glancing at Kris and seeing the hope in his eyes, Adam moves his own hand, intertwining his fingers with Kris’. It’s such a small gesture but it causes both of them to smile at each other, the wide and happy grins that they used to share while on Idol, both radiating happiness and calm because they’re together through the whole experience and that’s what matters.

“So baby, you wanted to talk?” asks Kris and his voice exudes calm and openness.

“What can I as—“

“Anything, baby. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

“But, what if it makes you sad again?”

“Just know that no matter how sad it makes me sound or no matter how sad I look, I’m okay, I’m content because I have you.”

“Are you su—“

“I’m sure. It may surprise you, but I do love you, Adam,” and he gives Adam a chaste kiss on the lips. It takes Adam by surprise and he wonders how many kisses he’s forgotten, how many nights of passion he doesn’t remember. He’s so taken by what he’s just experienced and he faces Kris, lets go of his hand and takes hold of his neck. He smashes their lips together without preamble and just feels. Kris clutches at Adam’s shirt as they slide their lips together and when Adam’s tongue pokes at his lips, he opens his mouth and lets Adam in. He doesn’t know how long they kiss but it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that Adam started it and it feels as good as Kris remembers it even though Adam doesn’t.

When they part, Adam rests his head on Kris’ chest and Kris’ left hand automatically goes to Adam’s hair as his right hand reaches for Adam’s. It’s not the best position but it’s comfortable for them. Adam doesn’t know but it’s how they cuddle all the time.

“Wow,” exclaims Adam.

“Yeah,” Kris says.

“By the way, Kris,” and Adam pauses, holding his breath; he’s scared he might ruin the moment but he wants to say it. He doesn’t realize that his grip on Kris’ hand tightens.

“Yes, baby?”

“I love you, too.”

Kris smiles and runs his fingers through Adam’s hair, knowing how much it continues to relax him after all these years.

“Come on, Adam, ask me anything.”

Adam sighs, he’s feeling happy and content right now, thankful. “Well, hmm, can you tell me a story?”

“What story, baby?”

“How bad can I get, Kris? During my not-so-good days.”

“Ohh. Well, that’s a start,” with a sigh, Kris begins.

 _What hurts the most, was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
Never knowing, what could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do  
 **What Hurts The Most (Rascal Flatts)**_

Kris crouches, dodging the boot thrown his way. His eyes are blurry from the tears that want to flow down his face and he’s so confused and he feels so helpless that part of him wants to prostrate himself on the floor and wait for Adam to be okay, to stop being so mad and against the truth.

“Do you expect me to believe everything that… _that stupid black notebook says_?” and with that he throws the other boot along with several shirts and a bottle of lotion.

“Adam, please…”

 _“Stop lying to me, Kris!”_

“I’m not—“

“ _You are_! I wake up, remembering nothing of the year and whatever, but you expect me to believe that we’re together? What the actual fuck, Kris?” This time, Adam throws a whole load of pens at Kris. “How the fuck can you lie to me like this, Kris?” He’s crying, Adam’s crying and Kris still doesn’t know what to do except pray that this stops, that somehow, maybe, if he ducks and dodges as much as he can while letting Adam throw things at him, Adam will finally accept the truth.

As everything Adam can reach for flies towards Kris, his despair grows. Adam’s still crying and Kris thinks he still has to try and do something. He has to connect to Adam because at the least, he’s still his best friend and he’ll do anything to help.

“Adam, baby, please stop it. Please,” he’s tried so hard not to cry but the tears fall and he’s helpless to stop them now as they flow freely. He knows he has to be strong for Adam but a person can only be so strong in a moment like this.

“Why should I, Kris? Will _stopping_ make things better?” Adam walks to his bed and grabs the pillows, throwing them in any direction he feels like now because he can’t understand anything. Kris is in pain. His chest hurts and he doesn’t understand why; all he knows is that it feels like an elephant is sitting on him and he can’t breathe, can’t function. His clenches his hands hard because all he really wants to do is hug Adam and tell him things will be all right. But they won’t be. He can’t promise that because he doesn’t know if they will be. The only constant now is Adam’s memory loss and that doesn’t help one bit.

Kris is brought out of his thoughts when he hears a clicking sound and when he faces Adam, he sees him holding a lighter and setting pages that he tore from the journal ablaze. Adam’s still crying, sobbing now actually.

Kris whimpers. “Adam, those were photos of—“ Kris cuts himself off because this time he’s sobbing, too. He can’t breathe and he doesn’t know if he wants to.

“These are lies, Kris. These aren’t real!” Adam sounds almost hysterical, his words said loud enough to be considered shouts and he’s breathing heavily.

“—of our anniversary” finishes Kris.

“Anniversary, Kris? Ours? There is no us, Kris. Not that I remember,” and the photos of their best day continue to burn just like Kris’ heart. It’s excruciating to be told that what he believes in, their relationship, isn’t real by the exact person he shares it with. Kris’ legs give out, letting him fall on the ground by the wall near the door, far away from Adam and yet close enough to hear his sounds of anguish and despair.

When there’s nothing left of the pictures but ashes on what used to be pristine white carpeting, Adam sits on the floor, his back against the bed. He’s facing Kris and from his vantage point, he thinks Adam’s still beautiful with his face not made-up and his hair in disarray. He’s crying and Kris thinks he’s still as breathtaking as ever.

“This is kind of cliché, I know but what do you want from me, Kris?”

“Believe in me, Adam, please,” whispers Kris. “I’m not lying to you.”

“You tell me that we’re in love and when I ask you for proof all you give me is a journal and some photoshopped pictures and you expect me to, what, just say _yeah sure okay_?” Adam has his own hands in his hair, his head bowed down and shaking from side to side. “I can’t, Kris.”

“Why, Adam? Why not?”

“Because, Kris.”

“Because what, Adam?”

“Because if everything you tell me is real then…“ Adam stops.

Kris waits for a while and when nothing comes from Adam, he asks. “Then what, Adam?”

“Then we’ll be like this. Always like this. How can you want this?”

“What are you talking about?”

“We’ll be a daily romance. Literally. _If_ I’m in a mood to be accepting of what you tell me.”

“I don’t mind. I like that I have to—“

“What if I do, Kris? What if I don’t want this anymore?”

“Do you? Not want this anymore, I mean,” Kris is leaning on his forearms, his legs curled up and covering his chest from view. He wants to curl up and die. Adam doesn’t want him, doesn’t want this.

Adam stands up then, taking the ruined journal with him. He walks to Kris and crouches in front of him. He places it on Kris’ Converse-covered feet. “Not if this is all we’re ever going to be, Kris.” He gives Kris one final stare and with that he leaves the room, his unspoken _not if I hurt you like this everyday, not if you have to work so hard for someone like me, someone with a broken memory_ screaming in his head. He hopes that somehow Kris knows that Adam does love him.

Adam doesn’t show himself to Kris until the next day, his memory of yesterday erased once more.

 _“I’m so sorry, Kris,” says Adam as he touches Kris’ arm._

 _“It’s okay, Adam.”_

 _“For what it’s worth, today, I believe there’s an us.”_

 _“I’m glad for that, baby.”_

 _“Kris…”_

 _“Yes, Adam?”_

 _“Tell me about…about the…”_

 _“Spit it out, dude,” says Kris with an uneasy laugh. He’s trying to lighten the mood._

 _“The photos from the journal. The ones I burned,” Adam says in a whisper as if not saying it loudly will make it less real._

 _“Oh baby, it was our best day yet.”  
_   
__

_I don’t know you  
But I want you  
All the more for that  
Words fall through me  
And always fool me  
And I can’t react  
 **Falling Slowly (Kris Allen)**_

 _ ****_“Yeah? Hi Lane. He’s still asleep, darling, does he…oh really? Wow. Sounds great actually. It’s our, well, it’s technically our anniversary. Yeah, yeah, I know. He wouldn’t remember. Obviously. Thanks. I’ll do my best. Take care, see you soon!” Kris puts the phone down with a grin so large he feels like his face is about to split.

“Well, you sound chipper,” says Brad as a greeting to Kris. He has his eyebrow raised and a questioning purse of lips on his face. “Before you answer that, COFFEE!”

Kris lets out a chuckle. Brad cannot function without his coffee. If his blood were to be tested, he’d probably find out that he bleeds caffeine or something. He gets the pot of coffee he made for Brad - and maybe Tommy if he wakes up early enough to get some before Brad finishes it. Kris is still smiling as he fills the cup he placed in front of Brad.

“So?”

“So what?”

“Why the happy face, Kristopher?”

“Am I not allowed to smile, Bradley?”

Brad just looks at Kris.

“Adam doesn’t have to work today.”

“Adam doesn’t have to work anymore, Kris,” says Brad with a smirk before he continues gulping down his second cup.

Sighing Kris says, “Lane called. She says that Adam’s put in enough appearances for the month. He can rest today.”

Brad stares at him, trying to process why Kris could possibly be so happy because of Adam’s day off work. He’s about to ask again when Adam enters with a smile to match Kris’.

“Hey you guys!” exclaims Adam, bounding into the kitchen that suddenly looks brighter to Kris because Adam’s there and he’s obviously woken up in a happy mood.

“Good morning, Adam,” says Kris, smiling at Adam and almost sure that today couldn’t get better which is why he almost falls to the floor when Adam pulls Kris towards him and greets him with a kiss on the lips.

“It looks like a _wood_ morning for Adam,” Brad says. He’s smirking and his eyes are bright. With coffee, Brad is fairly easy to amuse.

When Adam pulls away and starts serving himself tea, Kris is left dazed. “Adam, what—“

“He woke up before I could get into his room and I saw him reading your journal,” announces Tommy as he sluggishly walks into the room, “I was out too late and I wasn’t able to wake up so.” He stops talking, as if what he said explains everything and he heads straight for the pot of coffee.

Kris turns to Adam and he sees him looking back at him, a smile on his lips and joy in his eyes. It takes his breath away how so much has changed and yet Adam’s still as beautiful as ever to him.

“Don’t worry, baby. I know,” Adam says with a knowing look. Kris timidly sidles up to where Adam’s standing by the counter and wraps his arm around Adam’s waist, not knowing if he has permission to do this but still wanting to. When Adam leans into Kris, he knows that Adam does know, and today Adam accepts the journal as truth.

Kris puts his lips near Adam’s ear and whispers, “What do you want to do today, Adam?”

Adam turns to face Kris and he places their foreheads together with his hand on Kris’ neck, their bodies near, their breathing deep and calm.

“Anything, as long as we stay in the house.”

Tommy’s near enough to hear although they don’t realize it, so they’re surprised when he loudly announces, “And that means Brad and I are going out for the whole day.”

Adam lets out a laugh and Kris scrunches his face at Tommy. Brad rolls his eyes. “I’ll just fix myself up and meet you by the door in 30, T.”

“Sure, B. Later, losers.” And with that Tommy and Brad exit the kitchen, leaving the still giggly pair in their wake.

Kris is about to reach up and pull Adam down for a kiss when a shrill somewhat scream-y voice comes from outside. “It’s only 30 minutes, Kristopher Neil! Wait for us to get out of the house, darling!”

Adam and Kris suddenly step apart; too surprised that Brad actually knew what they were about to do. They hear Tommy letting out a loud laugh from outside, too. “We’re predictable!” gasps Adam in mock despair.

“Oh woe is the day that we’re suddenly boring!” says Kris in a southern belle accent while he places the back of his hand on his forehead.

It doesn’t fit Kris and he can’t act to save his life but Adam finds it endearing, the fact that they still connect on the same wavelength. He’s laughing again and a few seconds later, Kris laughs with him. They do it for awhile, too caught up in the moment, in the happiness of being together so freely. Adam doesn’t have a lot of easy days and Kris is so thankful that he’s been given this one, at least for today.

“I’ll make you breakfast,” says Adam as he deposits Kris on a seat by the counter. Kris is happy enough to stare at Adam while he cooks. It’s almost domestic how they click like this and it makes Kris feel so light, like he can do anything, even fly. That’s when an idea hits him. He gets his phone out, opens the application he needs and calls out to Adam. “Hey, baby!”

As Adam looks at him over his shoulder, Kris presses his phone and _there you go_ , a picture of Adam cooking while wearing Kris’ apron.

Adam smiles and raises an eyebrow at Kris. “What’s that for?”

“I’ve decided that today will be picture day. What do you think?” Kris exclaims as he turns his phone towards himself and takes a picture of his scrunchy face. It’s adorable and Adam lets out a loud laugh.

“Okay then,” and with a wink Adam turns back to his cooking.

That night, as Adam sleeps, Kris prints out the photos that he’s taken and glues them into their journal. Adam serving him breakfast. Kris feeding Adam. Adam feeding Kris. Both of them sitting by the pool with their legs in the water. Their intertwined fingers. Adam giving Kris a kiss on the cheek. Kris kissing Adam’s forehead while his hand caresses Adam’s hair. Kris hugging Adam. Adam in the tub. Kris in the tub with Adam. Adam playing with a rubber ducky. Kris with bubbles and foam on his face. Adam with just a towel around his waist. Kris hiding beside Adam, obviously naked. Adam with his eyes twinkling with love and mischief looking towards Kris. Kris looking at the holder of the camera with love eyes. Adam laughing with icing on his nose from the cupcake Kris gave him. Adam on his bed, sleeping with a smile on his face.

Kris is so in love, so into this man. He’s Adam’s and he’s willing to remind Adam everyday. After finishing his latest work, he looks at the pictures again. Loving how Adam looked so happy and carefree, purposefully ignoring the obvious tightness of his hold on Adam’s hand and the transparent look of hope and desperation in his own eyes.

Turning a blind eye on how tight his grip on Adam’s hair is because looking at it and knowing it’s there, Kris is reminded of how much he doesn’t have a hold on Adam at all.

 _If I’m not in love with you  
What is this I’m going through, tonight  
And if this heart is lying then  
What should I believe in  
Why do I go crazy  
Every time I think about you, baby  
Why else do I want you like I do  
If I’m not in love with you  
 **If I’m Not in Love (Faith Hill)**_

“I’m so sorry, Kris.”

“Stop apologizing. It’s okay, Adam,” says Kris with a sigh.

“Be honest with me, Kris,” and Adam sounds persistent, as if he’ll fight anything that’s trying to stop him.

“What do you mean?”

“Tell me how you feel.”

“I love you Adam. I thou—“

“Not about me. About the whole situation.”

Kris doesn’t know what to tell Adam. To be honest, his feelings about the whole thing do not really change. He’s fine with it in general but there are days when he doesn’t know who to be or how to act so Adam will accept him, will believe in them.

“Tell me, Kris. Not yourself,” says Adam with a smirk.

When Kris looks away, Adam drops the smirk. It’s not good, what Kris is feeling. He can’t look at Adam because he’s either ashamed of the truth or simply not proud of it. “Come on, Kris.”

Something in Kris opens up and his feelings flow out like water from a dam. It’s fast and strong, unrelenting and free.

“I feel guilty… guilty because you don’t have your memories and yet people still expect you to live the life you used to. I feel guilty because I expect you to be who you were before the accident. I’m miserable and some days… some days I don’t like who I am, I don’t like that I’m not special, not to you at least. Because you forget me, Adam, everyday you forget about who I am supposed to be to you, and it hurts so much. I do my best to please you, to make you see me but sometimes you don’t even try to look at me as more than your best friend. But it’s alright, I’m still thankful,” and Kris breathes, healing breaths until he feels he can talk again. “I’m thankful because you’re here, thankful because I’m still important to you but it really, really hurts. It’s like… like every day you wake up and you look at me and smile and I hope so bad, so much, that somehow you remember that we’re together, that I love you and you love me, but then you suddenly ask why I’m here or where Sauli is, and it feels like you’re ripping my heart out of my chest and throwing it at my face.”

Tears are flowing down Kris’ face and when he finally has the strength to do it, he looks at Adam and sees him crying as well.

“What can I do, Kris? What can I do to make it all better?”

With resignation, Kris says, “You can’t do anything, Adam! Don’t you think we’ve all tried?” He’s gripping so hard on Adam’s hand that his body is almost thrown sideways when Adam pulls his hand from Kris.

“What do you want from me then, Kris? Do you want me to pretend every morning to be someone I’m not? Do you want me to wake up every morning to, what, a note saying that I have to pretend to be your boyfriend and here’s a list of things you have to remember just so you’d be happy?! Do you actually think this is easy for me?” Adam’s voice is loud now and he knows he’s shouting but he can’t help it. He’s hurting too and he doesn’t really understand why.

“Yes, Adam! It’s easy for you! Because all you have to do is forget while I get to remember everyday how much it hurts to have you there but I can’t… All I want to do is say good night to you before we sleep and wake up and know that you’re still mine. But that can’t happen,” Kris starts with a shout and ends with a whisper, the words coming out of his mouth making things real, as if putting it out in the open instead of keeping it inside makes it truer than it already is, truer than the fact that Adam can never remember them.

“Then what do you want me to do?” Adam’s voice is back to normal, not a scream and not a whisper.

Kris sighs. He feels tired, like he’s just run a marathon and his lungs are working well but he feels like he still can't breathe, like if he inhales, his body will crumble from pain and exhaustion, too used and broken to function properly.

“Sometimes, Adam, sometimes I want to ask you to let me go. Like one day, I’d ask you to let me go, set me free and if you agreed, I’d leave for the day and come back the next day, knowing you’d slept and that when you woke up, you wouldn’t know better, and I’d tell Brad and Tommy to stop telling you about us, to throw away anything that could tell you that this relationship happened. I’d burn the journal myself and without it, there’d be no us. All I’d have are memories and I’d deal with them myself but you, you’d be okay. You wouldn’t be the wiser.” Kris has a small sad smile on his face. “You wouldn’t be in pain because you wouldn’t know what you lost.”

“That’s unfair, Kris.”

“I know…”

“And? Is that all you can say, Kris? Is that really what you want?”

“I never said I’d push through with it, Adam. I couldn’t.”

Adam is hit then by how unfair life really is, to Kris, to Adam, to them. To Kris because he gets Adam but not everyday and not all of him because something will always be missing. To Adam because he gets to have Kris but he never knows about it, can’t remember having what he’s wanted all his life - love, unrestrained love. To both of them, because what they have can’t be permanent, can’t be stable. Adam thinks Kris doesn’t deserve a life like this and so he offers, “Ask me to let you go, Kris.”

“No.”

“I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“Sometimes it is but most of the time, I realize that even if you let me go, I wouldn’t be able to let go of you because you’ll always be here and a part of you will always be my Adam.” With this Kris faces Adam. He pulls Adam towards him and hugs him so tightly that he’s sure neither of them can breathe but it’s okay.

Letting go is much harder than not being able to breathe.

 _What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?  
And all that you touch tumbles down?  
Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things,  
I just wanna fix it somehow  
But how many times will it take?  
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?  
 **Get It Right (Glee Cast)**_

 _ ****_The rays of sun seeping through the curtains are red now, signaling that sunset has started. It symbolizes the start of the end of another day of reminding Adam. Sometimes Kris thinks it’s all he ever does, remind Adam, make him remember. The light from outside is dancing on Adam’s face, making him look fierce and tame at the same time, almost mellow, as when autumn comes and everything turns brown and red, all the leaves falling from their trees, a reminder of the coming cold and silence of winter.

They’re just hugging now, not as tight as before, both hiding that they know the day is about to end, that come tomorrow, it will be another start, another build-up of a day that will end with closed eyes and forgotten memories. Adam feels guilty, he’s unsettled. While he gets to forget everything, Kris has no choice but to remember.

They can write in the journal. They can take pictures, but they can never be assured that Adam will remember anything of what they record. _Record._ Wait.

“Kris, I think I’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Let’s write a song.”

“But your album’s already been completed, written and recorded. It’s about to drop tomorrow and—“ Kris stops because Adam’s giving him a _let me finish look_ and again, he only aims to please.

“A song. About us. And I’ll remember it. I never forget songs, do I, Kris?”

Kris tries so hard to stamp on the feelings of hope ready to burst out of him. He wants to stand up and jump on the bed, only too happy to have another possible solution to the never ending sadness but he knows that it’s not practical to make promises that he can’t keep. Or that Adam won’t remember even.

“You do, Adam.”

“But I’ll remember this, Kris. Really! I’ll try so hard!“ and Kris is trying so hard, too, to take control of his feelings before they leave without him, before he goes and believes in something that’s bound to break his heart even more, but Adam looks so sure of himself and Kris just nods his head. He agrees with the idea because even if Adam forgets about their song, Kris will remember it, love it. He’ll know it and not even Adam’s tantrums will ever be able to destroy it.

“Okay then, I’ll get my guitar, Adam,” but before he can stand, Adam pulls him down for a quick chaste kiss on the lips. “Don’t take too long, baby,” he says with a quiet smile and Kris thinks Adam looks sleepy and somehow he understands Adam’s silent urgency.

He gets back within seconds and they start writing. He’s already got a melody in mind. He looks at Adam and he has a pen and he’s leisurely writing on the piece of paper in front of him. Kris continues to tinker with his guitar, finally getting the sound he likes. He plays it again and Adam hums along with it, a low sweet sound and Kris falls deeper in love. He’s still trying not to sink too deep though, still not believing as much in the power of love as he used to.

It takes him a while to realize that there’s no one humming with his guitar anymore and he dreads having to look at Adam. He discovers that his suspicions are correct when he sees Adam asleep, his head on the paper, the pen still loosely held by his right hand and his mouth slightly open.

“Of course Adam falls asleep,” mutters Kris.

After tidying up and getting Adam under the covers, Kris kisses him on the forehead, checks his surroundings to see if everything is in place. He’s about to leave when he looks at Adam and sees how peaceful he looks, asleep, no lines on his face and from an angle, a small smile on his slightly opened lips.

“Maybe just a few minutes,” he whispers to himself and sits on the bed, leaning on the headboard beside him. Silently, he hopes that tomorrow will be better. Smiling a little, he watches over Adam.

 _Oh, I just can’t get enough  
How much do I need to fill me up?  
It feels so good it must be love  
It’s everything that I’ve been dreaming of.  
I give up. I give in. I let go. Let’s begin.  
‘Cause no matter what I do,  
Oh my heart is filled with you.  
 **You Got Me (Colbie Caillat)**_

Kris is making breakfast when Adam enters the kitchen. He glances at Adam and smiles at him.

“What do you want for breakfast, Adam?” asks Kris but really, the tea is already steeping and the bread’s already toasting. He has to ask,; it’s routine.

Adam gives him a gentle and sleepy smile. “Toast. Peanut butter and jelly, if you have it. A glass of juice and a cup of tea, if you don’t mind?”

“Coming right up. Go ahead and sit and I’ll serve your breakfast in a bit, dude.”

Kris is plating the toast and reaching for the jars of peanut butter and jelly when he hears Adam humming. It’s the song they were writing last night, the exact melody that Kris was strumming before Adam fell asleep.

He somehow gets a grip on himself and places Adam’s breakfast in front of him. He gets the glass of OJ and the cup of tea and places them there, too. “What song is that? New one for the album?” Kris asks jovially.

After sipping from his tea, Adam says, “I don’t really know, it’s stuck in my head.” He smiles at Kris and Kris feels like he won Idol again, it’s unbelievable. He feels elated and so happy and hopeful.

After piling pancakes on his plate, Kris sits across from Adam. He’s so relieved and he stares at him for a long time, silent but now truly content.

“Do I have something on my face?” asks Adam, finger swiping over his lips, looking for what may be causing Kris to stare.

In what Kris hopes is a joking manner, he says, “I love you, you know.” He scrunches his face and looks at Adam.

And for a moment, Kris has to hold his breath because Adam’s staring back and quiet, not saying anything and Kris almost panics because he might have said the wrong thing, he probably hoped for too much, when Adam smiles at him.

“I know.”

At that, Kris pushes away all his doubts and believes.


End file.
